Before I dive into this blog post, I just wanted to offer words of encouragement if you were here looking for advice for your situation, as someone who has experienced a gay divorce I know how tough it can be.
If you’re facing a gay divorce, especially if you have children, the primary goal should be to have an amicable divorce. While we may all strive to be like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin and have a conscious uncoupling experience, but the chances of that happening are very slim. So here are five steps to help you and your soon-to-be-ex-partner navigate the uncertain world of divorce.
1. Communicate
Divorce is hard. You’ve spent so much time together dreaming, imagining, and talking about your future and now you’ve found yourself sitting across from that same person making final relationship decisions almost feel like a funeral. In this tough time, it is impossible to navigate it without communication, especially if you share child-rearing responsibilities. I will never forget that during my divorce proceedings our judge took time out to discuss the impact of interaction and its effect on children whose parents are going through a divorce. I am by no means here to judge anyone who is not on amicable and easy communicating terms with their soon-to-be ex. Like I said it this journey is HARD. Whether it’s communicating through text message, in person, or even through the means of the therapist or mediator be sure that you try to keep the lines of communication open as possible with your soon-to-be-ex throughout this process.
2. Mediate it out.
One of the best pieces of divorce device that I ever received was from a fellow LGBTQ couple who was going through a divorce of their own. They had already navigated the process of having separate attorneys and quickly realized that the attorneys were in it for themselves. Nothing against attorneys but this particular couple quickly realized that the divorce attorneys wanted to spend more time having them argue about things to get more billable hours. In the end, they fired their attorneys and hired a mediator instead. The mediator was solely there to work for both of them and not pit them against each other. Not only did using a mediator in my divorce help save lots of time and money but it allowed us to agree on very critical issues rather quickly. And depending on your state laws, you may also be able to skip a couple of steps and get divorced quicker if that is a top priority for you.
3. Get Support.
Having a divorce buddy was so critical for my divorce journey. My divorce buddy and I had ironically gotten married around the same time and had children around the same time, and then sadly found ourselves facing a divorce at the same time. Having a divorce buddy meant that we could lean on each other for support and I can text to vent when I needed someone to listen. My divorce buddy has turned into my after divorce buddy, and now we get to discuss the tragic joys of dating after divorce with children.
4. Get Comfortable with being Uncomfortable.
Depending on how long you were married a lot of things may have to change in your life. Figure out how you encounter changes and think of ways to combat the fear of uncertainty and the unknown. My primary coping strategy for change is to make lists. I made lists of all the things that I need to do to get myself self-sufficient, to get the girls stable, and to start my life as a single person and single mother. This helped me build a type of roadmap to know how to get back to a place of normalcy and getting used to the new normal.
5. Take care of yourself.
I probably should have put this at the top of the list because it is that important but be sure to set time aside for yourself on a daily or weekly basis just so that you can recharge around batteries. If your life is already hectic adding in a divorce is only going to increase that stress level. It may feel counterintuitive to go to the spa or get a massage or get your nails gone when you’re in the middle of a divorce, but I’m telling you that it makes all the difference. Taking the time to make yourself feel better will start to establish a routine when you’re a single person, and it will allow for you to be able to stop and say “Dang, I look good!” when you walk past the mirror, thus giving yourself a little morale booster.
I have said it once, and I will say it a million times over. Divorce is tough. It is a roller coaster of emotions, but if you utilize these five steps and consider them throughout each stage of your divorce journey, I am confident that you will be able to navigate this process and arrive intact on the other side.
Sending you love!
