The holidays can be a wonderful time to get together with family and friends from near and far, but for a child on the autism spectrum, the holiday gatherings can be a source of stress. Here are some tips to help you prepare yourself, your child, and your family members/friends for holiday gatherings!
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Plan it out.
For many children on the autism spectrum having a clear understanding of the events of the day can make the difference between smooth sailing and very rocky waters. If your child is used to a particular routine that may include things like attending school or a favorite activity on a certain day of the week, holidays can completely throw this schedule off. This can create a minefield of potential meltdown triggers. One of the ways to help reduce the chance of increased meltdowns and negative behaviors is to map out the entire day from wake up to bedtime. If you are planning to travel for an extended period of time, or your plans require air travel be sure to include those plans as well.
Prep your child.
Once you have everything planned out, go through the plan step-by-step with your child. This can include making sure that your child knows how long they will be in the car, or going through photo albums or social media to familiarize themselves with family members and friends that they may not be accustomed to seeing on a regular basis. If your child is verbal, be sure to empower them to express the way that they are feeling to you throughout the visit. If your child is non-verbal be sure to tune in to their emotions and mannerisms for clues as to how they are coping with the new environment. Role-playing how the gathering will go can also be helpful, this could include sitting at a table with holiday music playing, recreating any holiday traditions that will take place, or shake hands while greeting people.
Bring comfort items.
I made the mistake a few weeks ago of not bringing Roo’s noise canceling headphones with us to an event, and it is a mistake I will try not to make again. Even if you end up leaving them in the car, bring your child’s headphones. Holiday gatherings can be filled with people and lots of excitement, which can be difficult for a child who has sensory sensitivities or who aren’t used to so many different sounds in one room.
Bringing a favorite toy or lovey can be comforting for your child when their anxiety starts to rise. For some people, food can serve as a comfort item, but for some people on the autism spectrum, foods can be a major stressor. Roo has a ton of food allergies and a boatload of food aversions to go with them. Finding out what will be served ahead of time can allow you to discuss this with your child and make decisions about which foods are “safe”. Always inform the person that is cooking about any food allergies. If your child has an anaphylactic response to their food allergies, it may be best to bring your own food to avoid the stress of them eating something that may cause a reaction.
Prep your family/friends.
Meltdowns are hard, and the sad reality is that some people just don’t get it. The holidays can feel like a family reunion for some people and if certain family members or friends haven’t been around your child often they may not understand what triggers a meltdown or what a meltdown can look like. This can lead to unwanted opinions and unhelpful suggestions from people who truly do love and care about your and your child, but in the long run, can make your holiday experience worse. It can be difficult to “come out” about your child’s autism to people you only see a few times a year (or even less than that), but prepping them for scenarios can allow for them to better prepare themselves when your child is having a hard time.
DON’T force physical contact.
I made this a separate tip because it needs to be emphasized for both children on the spectrum as well as NT children. Please don’t force your children to hug/kiss/otherwise show affection if they are not comfortable with it. In our society, children can sometimes not have complete autonomy over their bodies, and they are picked up, hugged, and kissed without consent. Many people view it as a right of passage or just a normal everyday occurrence, but the fact of the matter is that we have to teach our children about boundaries.
For some children on the autism spectrum, they are unable to adequately gauge societal norms when it comes to personal space/boundaries. Allowing them to refuse physical contact is a way to empower them and give self-agency that could serve as a very useful tool as they grow older. If your child happens to be like Roo and actually craves physical touch and affection be sure to discuss with them boundaries for other people especially children their age. If your child prefers to avoid physical contact, they may prefer to give a high five in place of a hug. This would be a great point to prep your family members and friends about ahead of time so that they aren’t offended when they attempted to hug your child and are rejected.
Have an escape plan in place!
As a parent of a child on the autism spectrum, we have all been in that place where your child has completely had it with a situation and the only resolution is to retreat. As I mentioned above, holidays can feel like a family reunion, and if you have traveled from far away, or have family who has traveled to you retreating can feel disrespectful and rude. However, letting your child have the space to feel their anxiety or any other emotions is key. Your escape plan doesn’t have to be a permanent one, it may just be leaving the house to allow them to run around outside, or finding a quiet corner in the house to have a sensory break.
But as we all know sometimes these breaks don’t work, and your break changes to a full-on escape plan. It is in this moment that you have to remember that your child isn’t doing this intentionally, they are doing the best that they can, and forcing a situation will most likely lead to a meltdown of epic proportions. Discussing the option of an escape plan with your child and the rest of your family ahead of time can allow for you to honor what your child is feeling, and to also let your loved ones know that you aren’t being rude or disrespectful.
Be Patient. Plan in Advance. Try to enjoy time with family & Friends.
Have a wonderful Holiday Season!
